Since I have no poo to speak of (we’ve weaned off of the laxative. Yes, again.) and no one wants to see pictures of water from my backyard, I’ve decided to chronicle a day in the life of my dog. I know, I know. You’ll be on the edge of your seat (since there is only one of you anyways, there is only one edge). It hardly seems fair to share this with you.
6:30. The alarm. I stir, stretch and groan. Stupid humans. Stop hitting that machine already and turn it off, I’ve got sleep to catch on. As the female human kicks the male human out of bed, she opens that big squeaky thingy that hurts my ears and proceeds to flatten clothes with some hot thing that fell on my tail once. Make a mental note to figure out how to drink water out of said hot thingy. Roll over and pretend I’m still asleep but point belly towards female human and peer at her with one eye until she scratches me. Ahhhhh…a little to the left.
7:00. The little boy humans are dressed and running up and down the halls. One of them steps over me, the other sits right on my head. Then he proceeds to pick at my hair carefully, pulling out clumps. Stay away from my butt, little man. Just make sure you drop some of that food from the table and no one gets hurt. I’m parking under this chair until you’ve released at least two cups of food. That lamb and rice dry food they’ve just put down in my bowl barely lasts me until dinner. After all, I’m starving here at eighty pounds. It is such a tough life.
7:15. Out in the yard to run around with my dog pals from next door. They do not live here but come under the fence to poo over here and run around and play. Last Saturday we had a four-hour playdate. It was grand. They think they are in charge, but we all know that I’m the queen of this castle. That is, unless the Golden Retriever looks at me or sniffs me, then it is all over. That pup. She frightens me so. Don’t even get me started on that Yorkie that walks by every morning. Eight pounds of terror in that little fluff ball, I’m telling you right now.
7:35. We put little boy human #2 on that noisy, smelly vehicle they call a bus. He seems to love getting on there, but sometimes strips and the female yells. She also isn’t fond of when he takes off that white thingy that catches all of his poo. I, of course, think that is the best part of my day. There ain’t nothing like a diaper full of that stuff.
8:00. The leash comes out! OH BOY OH BOY! WALK! YEAH!!!! WALK! Oh BOY! OH BOY!!!! I grab the end of the leash and walk myself to the corner to accompany little human #1 to get on his smelly bus. I cry when he gets on, for I know that he won’t be back for hours and there will be no food scraps left around to sustain me. The humans, they are trying to starve me, I know it. Little do they know I eat the white things in the trash can that they blow their noses on. That stuff is like fast food and it is oh so good. We walk around the neighborhood where I get to prance and show my dominance (N. O. T.). Or cower whenever I see a dog smaller than me. One of the two. For some reason, the female human INSISTS on cleaning up my poo after I’ve carefully selected the perfect place in which to deposit it. No worries, I’ll be sure to leave some in tall grass later so it ends up on her shoe. That will teach her to mess with me.
8:30. The female, she is leaving. I pretend to act sad and sit on the third step to await her departure. She thinks I miss her and I milk it so she kisses me and scratches behind my ears. Ahhhhhh… She does not know this, but I take this opportunity to walk around the house and fish for morsels that the littlest human leaves behind. I find them in the oddest places, like in toys, between couch cushions and on the table. Can you believe they leave food on the table? Eejits. Too easy.
9:00. Time for my first nap of the day. Hmmmm…green couch? Blue couch? No! Sunny window! YEAH! The sun stays in this room for the first few hours of the day and warms my dark hair. I’ve got to catch up on some zzzs, I’ve only been getting thirteen to fourteen hours of sleep so I am starting to feel it.
12:30. Female human returns with bags full of stuff. Some of the stuff smells edible. The roundish, white toilet paper thingies smell the best. Make a mental note to eat some of it off of the roll on the wall later, making sure to leave bits of it around the house. She lets me outside to relieve myself and I notice the mailman’s truck parked there! LUCKY DAY! I bark and whine as he approaches the house and he tosses me a milk bone. He pats me on the head. I whine accordingly so as to make the impression that I am underfed and neglected. I think he is buying it. In a few minutes he drives down the side street (we live on the corner) and delivers paper thingies to the house behind us where the Rotty lives. I whine and cry and he gives me another bone.
1:30. After protecting my abode from the fierce and deadly squirrels, female tells me it is time for nap. I’ve only been asleep for about four hours so I decided to join her. If I make a sad enough face she allows me to jump on the bed and cuddle with her. While she uses the toilet and removes her shoes, I snuggle under the down duvet and put my head on the male human’s pillow. Ahhhh…
3:00. That noisy square thing starts making noise and she hits it a few times. I grown, stretch and shake to make noise so she gets out of bed. Sometimes I have to walk around the room and whine to get her up. She lets me out to chase squirrels again. They’ve infiltrated the trash now. Stupid rodents, that trash is for me! I’ll catch you one day! MARK MY WORDS! Hey, look! Something shiny! OH! THE BROWN TRUCK! I LOVE TO BARK AT THE BROWN TRUCK! Oh! Rabbit Poo! This is shaping up to be a great day. I think I’ll park under that tree for a while, I’m awfully sleepy…
4:00. The buses return with the little humans, accompanied by MORE little humans. It is mass chaos. The Female human takes us all for another walk. Sometimes, she allows the small humans to hold the leash so I make an effort to pull as hard as I can. They do not allow me to sniff around as much. Once we return home, I camp out under the table as they consume morsels again. Humans eat too much! But their gain is my gain, as the little humans leave a plethora of crumbs about the house. I am satiated, at least for another hour or two…
6:00. I need to go outside. I stir from my latest nap behind the couch where the heat vent keeps me cozy. Something tells me the male human will be home soon. I must go outside and sit and wait for him. I am sensing he is about twenty or so minutes from arrival. I sit and wait more. He’s closer. I can feel it…
6:30. HE’S HERE! OH BOY, OH BOY! HE’S HERE! I hope he puts his plate down to lick when he finishes eating. Can you believe they are eating AGAIN? Another bowl of lamb and rice kibble. I’ve discovered they’ve switched me to the lower calorie formula yet again. Make mental note to steal more food from the littlest human, he leaves it all over the house. The little humans are in that dreadful room with the water running, splashing it out of the tub. I loathe that room. The female puts me in there every few weeks or so and washes off all of the scents I work so diligently to adhere to my fur. Make a mental note to steal food from her plate or lap. No! Even better! I’ll sit between her feet as she chops cucumbers or watermelon and look sad. She’ll feed me.
7:30. The little humans finally give me some peace and quiet so I can FINALLY get some sleep. I’ve only had five or six naps today. I hope I can make it until ten when the female and male humans go to bed. I try to sneak into the little humans’ rooms to lick their sticky hands and faces whilst they sleep. The female human admonishes me and tells me to vacate the premises. I do not understand why she orders me around so.
8:00. I make a trip outside. The beagle mix and the Golden are outside once again. They escape under the fence and we have a little scrum. Until the female human from the other yard discovers them and calls them in. Short-lived fun but well worth it. I wonder what this electric fence thingy is? They keep talking about keeping the other dogs in their yard with it. Is it some type of medieval torture device? Time will tell.
10:00. My nap on the couch next to the male human is interrupted as the female human rouses both of us to get ready for bed. I was asleep! Did she not see? No worry, I go outside when she requests it and quickly return to the door to whine and scratch until she lets me in. If I act sadly enough she opens the large box with the food in it and gives me those yummy carrots. Except she makes me balance them on my nose, shake hands and do other embarrassing things. These humans can be so cruel. I’ll be sure to pass gas when they are sleeping, that will teach them! The humans turn the lights off but do not realize I can still see. We settle down for the night, I get some belly rubs and doze off for the night…